The Talisman
by SisiDraig
Summary: Vince and Howard are looking forward to their big celebration. Surely nothing will go wrong... will it?
1. Chapter 1

**Hiya, new story. Hope you like it.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Boosh. Wish i did. Unfortunately, that privlidge goes to Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett (comic geniuses!).**

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"_Here in my car I feel safest of all, I can lock all my doors it__'__s the only way to live in cars_"

"VINCE! IF YOU DON'T TURN THAT OFF I'LL THROW THAT STEREO OUT OF THE WINDOW!"

"_Here in my car I can only receive I can listen to you It keeps me stable for days In cars_"

"VINCE!"

"_Here in my car Where the image breaks down Will you visit me please? If I open my door In cars_"

"VINCE FOR GOD SAKE SHUT UP"

"_Here in my car I know I've started to think…_"

"ARGH!"

"…"

"Thank you."

"Howard?"

"What?"

"That stereo cost me a lot of money."

"You should just be thankful I didn't throw _you_ out of the window."

"Don't threaten me or Bollo will slash you up!"

"I'd like to see him try. What you fail to remember sir is that I am a black belt in karate."

"No you're not. You can't even do origami."

"Excuse you sir, my paper swan is second to none."

"It's rubbish… it doesn't even swim."

"It's paper!"

"Naboo's paper swan swims."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. Naboo's great! Remember when I wanted that slide and he bought me a helter-skelter? Oh and the time when I asked for a…"

"Okay, I get the picture Naboo's brilliant."

"He really is. Oh d'you remember the time when…?"

"Vince." warned Howard

"What?"

"I'm not interested in how great Naboo is."

"So why did you bring him up?"

"I didn't. You did."

"Oh yer" Vince grinned. "do you think Naboo would fix my hi-fi?"

"ARGH!"

"Howard, come back. Don't storm off. Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Howard…Howard…"

Vince ran to the window. "Howard. Come back you idiot!" Howard looked up at the window and stuck his tongue out. "And you say you're more mature than me." laughed Vince

"I am." shouted Howard and walked off down the street.

Vince grinned happily and went over to his wardrobe. He stroked his new suit grinning like a fool. One day to go.

Howard walked along the street trying very hard not to skip. He didn't know what had come over him in these last few months. He'd become more and more happy. He constantly found himself singing pop classics. He'd begun to find his jazz records a little depressing. He'd even thrown out his beige clothes and replaced them with Hawaiian shorts and flowery shirts. He'd been well and truly 'Vinced'. He had even begun to enjoy the attention of others and he simply couldn't wait for tomorrow. It would be the best day of his life. The first day of the rest of his life. But he still needed to pick up the present he'd ordered. That perfect present.

"Morning Mr Moon."

"Morning."

"You come to collect the gift?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Two minutes. Margret's got it out back."

"No problem. Take your time."

"You're not angry?"

"I couldn't be angry. Not today."

"Oh yes. It's the big day tomorrow, isn't it? Congratulations."

"Thank you very much."

Two minutes later the withered old man reappeared with a small black box covered in colourful stars and sequins.

"Here…" smiled the man "I trust this will be to your requirements."

"Thanks. It is blue isn't it?"

"Yes. I made sure it was blue."

"Okay thanks a lot. You can come tomorrow if you're not doing anything."

"You know Mr Moon I would very much like that."

"Okay, see you tomorrow then."

Howard left the small shop and opened the box to reveal a beautiful necklace. The stone was so blue that it almost blinded Howard. He grinned, oh he was going to be in Vince's good books now. This would make up for ruining the hi-fi. Howard raced back to the flat as he turned the corner onto the street he could here Vince singing. Howard smiled to himself 'idiot' he thought as he opened the door and walked upstairs.

"_It's cold outside And the paint's peeling off of my walls There's a man outside In a long coat, grey hat, smoking a cigarette_"

"VINCE!" "_Now the light fades out And I wonder what I'm doing In a room like this_"

"VINCE, WILL YOU STOP SINGING THERE'RE PEOPLE IN GLASGOW WHO DON'T LIKE GARY NUMAN!"

"_There's a knock on the door And just for a second I thought I remembered you_."

"VINCE!"

"What?" asked Vince poking his around his bedroom door.

"I've got a present for you."

"Really?" asked Vince excitedly.

"Yeah. Now you can either open it now or you can leave it till…oh." said Howard as Vince pulled the top off the box.

"Oh my god!" squealed Vince. "Is this mine?"

"Well I don't think it will suit me."

"It's gorgeous." said Vince flinging his arm around Howard's neck.

"Okay, no need for that."

"Don't be so stupid." giggled Vince "Hey and this means I've got something blue and something new. And I'm borrowing some magic boots off Naboo and you're old so I've got everything."

"I am the same age as you sir."

"I know. But I haven't got anything old." moaned Vince

"Well, go down to the Nabootique and look for something old."

"Brilliant idea." said Vince running down the stairs.

"He'd better not be going to my shop." lisped Naboo as a Vince shaped blur shot past him.

"He's looking for something old."

"Wont you do?" asked Naboo angrily

"Oh, everyone's a comedian today aren't they? If I were you I'd…"

**SMASH**

Naboo and Howard glanced at the stairs.

"If he's broken anything valuable I'll kill him."

"Look whatever he's broken I'll pay for." said Howard

"I know you will" said Naboo angrily "The sooner you two go on your honeymoon the better."

Howard beamed at Naboo. The excitement of the upcoming wedding and honeymoon was too much happiness for a typically miserable person like Howard to absorb. He felt certain he would explode with this amount of excitement. Naboo broke his thoughts as he said

"I don't here any whinging."

"What?"

"Vince has just broken something."

"And?"

"So, why isn't he up here trying to persuade me it wasn't his fault?"

Naboo had a point. It wasn't like Vince to keep quiet after he'd done something stupid. Howard and Naboo went quickly downstairs to the shop. Howard saw the smashed bottle and the purple liquid on the floor, but no Vince.

"Oh no!" gasped Naboo

"What?" asked Howard anxiously

"I forgot to turn the open/closed sign around this morning."

"Naboo." Howard frowned "Where's Vince?"

"I don't know. Ring him." Howard went to the see-through phone on the counter and rang Vince's mobile.

To his surprise the familiar 'Cars' ring tone came within the room. Howard and Naboo looked at each other and then at the purple puddle. Howard took a tentative step towards it.

"Vince?" he said. There was no reply. "Vince? Stop messing around." Naboo looked a little concerned as Howard approached the edge of the puddle.

"Howard, don't go any further. I don't know what that is." Howard peered over the side of the puddle and was amazed to see a huge forest.

"Vince?" he whispered crouching down get a better view. "Are you in there?"

"No." came Vince's voice from a cupboard. "I'm in here." Howard stood up angrily as Vince opened the door.

"You flaming idiot! I thought you'd fallen in." Howard said angrily.

"Sorry" Vince grinned. "I thought Naboo would be angry because I broke the bottle." Howard smiled as he stood up and took a step towards Vince.

"NO!" yelled Naboo

"HOWARD!" screamed Vince as Howard was swallowed up by the puddle. It was too late. Vince could only watch on helplessly as Howard fell to the forest below.

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**Thanks for reading! Please leave me a lil review because they make me smile.**

**Thank youuuu.**

**Sisi xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**D/C: Still not mine. unfortunately.**

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"Naboo, what's going to happen to him?" sobbed Vince

"I don't know" sighed Naboo, placing a blanket around Vince's shaking shoulders as Bollo bustled in with a cup of tea.

"Have a look in the crystal ball again."

"Okay" agreed Naboo in an attempt to stop Vince worrying. "Oh yes." Naboo lied "I can see him now. He's fine. Really enjoying himself. Just lying there… uh, sunbathing."

"You're lying. He wouldn't sunbathe. He's got sensitive skin. If he spends too long in the sun he starts to look like a jacket potato."

Naboo groaned loudly.

"Sorry Vince, I can't see him. My crystal ball doesn't can't see into other worlds. And before you say it, no the board of Shaman won't help me. Head Shaman is still annoyed about the incident with you and his wife in a cupboard at Howard's party."

"I didn't think he knew it was me."

"He doesn't, but he suspects."

"Well if you don't do something soon I'm going to dive in that puddle after him."

"No, Vince."

"Yes, Naboo!" Vince said stubbornly "It's my fault that he fell in, so it's my responsibility to get him back."

"No it's not. Leave it to me. I've still got a few secrets up my sleeves."

"Like what?"

"Never you mind." said Naboo shiftily. Vince was not an intelligent man but he could read people like books (well, better than he could read books) and he knew Naboo was lying to him. "Now, why don't you rest and let Bollo and me sort this mess out."

Vince protested as Naboo had guessed he would.

"Fine." snapped Naboo "Finish drinking your tea and then you can come down to the shop and help out."

"okay." agreed Vince. Naboo smirked as he watched Vince downing his tea. "Right. Let's go!" said Vince slamming the mug down and taking two steps before falling to the floor in a heap.

"Bollo. Carry Vince to his bed. He's been taken suddenly tired."

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"Ow. Ger'off! Ow!" yelled Howard brushing a pesky bird from his head and mopping the sweat from his brow. He'd been walking, non-stop for two and a half hours and he felt the situation was getting desperate. His legs were aching and he was struggling to keep moving, but he daren't stop from fear of the circling vultures above his head. The sun disappeared behind a menacing black cloud. Howard thought this was a little peculiar, just seconds before it had been blistering hot, but it wasn't now and Howard shivered as the cold engulfed his body.

The forest was so strange that Howard half expected a grinning cat to appear in a tree and talk to him in riddles. He looked hopefully at a nearby tree, even a useless grinning cat would be better than this solitude, but nothing appeared so he continued with his walking. After a few minutes, he came across a puddle. He looked at it and a wave of excitement washed over him but no sooner that it had arrived, it had gone. What was the point? He'd jumped in every puddle he'd seen since he'd got here and so far all it had earned him was wet trousers. Then again. He'd kick himself if this was the one, the puddle that would lead him back to Vince. Howard took a deep breath and jumped.

"JEEZ! SPLUH! PLAH!" Howard spat the water from his mouth. He couldn't believe it. This was no puddle. It was bottomless! Or at least Howard couldn't reach the floor.

"Oi. You there! Walrus man! What are you doing?"

Howard looked up to see a small balding man in a suit waddling angrily towards him. "Can you read?" The man continued indignantly.

"yes."

"So, you just ignored my sign?"

"What sign?"

"What sign? _What_ sign?!… _that_ sign!" the man pointed angrily at a small white sign completely covered by weeds and brambles.

"You can't read that!"

"Rubbish! It clearly says no swimming in the well."

"This looks like a puddle."

"It may _look_ like a puddle but I can assure you it is a well. Just like you. You _look_ like a walrus but claim to be a man."

"I _am_ a man."

"Hmmm." the small man looked sceptical "Either way, you're in the well. Get out!"

"You are very wet, Walrus man" the small man said as Howard clambered out awkwardly.

"Shocking that." retorted Howard sarcastically.

"Not really, you've just been up to your neck in water."

Howard let out an exasperated sigh. "Is there anywhere I can dry off?"

"Of course. Follow me." said the man waddling off in the direction he had come from "I will show you to my town, Walrus man."

"_your_ town?"

"Well, I suppose it belongs to Queen Fortina, but I am mayor."

"Is it a big town?"

"One of the biggest in the kingdom. We have over 400 people in Ivy Brooks"

"400?"

"I know, huge isn't it."

"No." scoffed Howard "that's tiny."

"Tell me then Walrus man," said the mayor looking hurt "how many people live in your village?"

"Well, I'm not sure but in central London I'd say probably 3 or 4 million."

"Million? No." gulped the man going a pale yellow colour. "It's not possible."

"It is."

"You must come from a far away land Walrus man."

"Yeah. I do." sighed Howard thinking of London and his flat and most importantly Vince.

"Aha." said the man pulling a large branch out of the way "This is Ivy Brooks."

Howard stepped through the gap and was overcome by the smell of cookies and chocolate. He was stood in a village square with cobbled streets and a huge waterfall in the shape of something very familiar. Howard couldn't quite place it but he knew he'd seen it before. He looked around as children raced around on bikes or played tag or ate sweets. A large man was baking bread, a skinny man was polishing wooden doors and a thin woman was making the most delicious ice-creams. The whole scene looked like something from and old fashioned story book and Howard couldn't stop the smile creeping on to his face. It was so beautiful.

"Most beautiful place you've ever seen, eh Walrus man?" smiled the mayor.

"Yes, it really is." breathed Howard.

"Here, follow me you can dry off at my house."

"Thank you."

Howard followed the mayor past the fountain and along a cobbled street to a large white house with a big wooden door surrounded by some hanging baskets. The mayor unlocked the door and Howard went inside. The walls were painted bright colours and everything

had a country cottage feel. The mayor guided Howard up the stairs to the bathroom.

"And when you've finished in there you are welcome to join us in the kitchen for lunch."

"Thanks" said Howard taking a towel and drying himself as best he could.

Around ten minutes later Howard appeared nervously at the door to the garden.

"Ah! Walrus man." cried the mayor "Come and join us. Meet my wife, Laura."

"Hi Laura" smiled Howard shaking the thin brunets hand.

"and my daughters, Kayla and Kelley. They're twins." Howard looked at the identical girls.

"I would never have guessed. Nice to meet you girls."

"And you Walrus man." answered the nine-year-olds in unison.

"Ah, well that's not my _actual_ name, is it? Smiled Howard.

"but, you do look like a walrus." answered the twins still in unison

"I don't"

"You do." they laughed "You have the same moustache."

"That doesn't make mean I'm called Walrus man. You're twins. I bet people don't go round calling you 'twins' do they?"

"Dad does."

"I can't tell them apart" admitted mayor embarrassedly. "So, if your name is not Walrus man, what is it?"

"Howard."

"What?" asked the mayor pale faced.

"Howard."

"**The** Howard?" asked the mayor.

"Well, I'm **a** Howard" answered Howard feeling extremely confused.

"Dad. Does he know the chosen one?" whispered the twins tugging at their dads trouser legs.

"I don't know. Howard, do you know the chosen one?"

"Who's the chosen one?" asked Howard

"He is the wearer of the talisman."

"What talisman?"

"Did you not see the fountain? It is in the shape of the talisman. The chosen one wears it. The chosen one is very important to us. He controls our lives. When he is happy, we are happy; we have lots food and money, we have good harvests and the sun always shines. But when he is miserable, we are miserable; we have little food and no money, we have poor harvests and it's overcast… like today. Luckily for us, the chosen one is almost always happy. But he's having a down day today. Strange really, this morning it was beautiful, I don't think the weather had ever been so warm. But now… well, you can see for yourself… the clouds are taking over the sky."

"What's this got to do with me?"

"The chosen one calls your name." said the twins. "Look, we'll show you." Each twin grabbed one of Howard's arms and dragged him towards their front room.

"Look." they said turning on the TV. "It's the chosen one and he calls for you." Howard looked at the TV screen in disbelief.

"Vince?" he whispered.

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**Thanks for reading!! A review would be very much apreciated D.**

**Sisi xx**


	3. Chapter 3

"Howard? Howard, can you hear me?"

"Vince, I think we've established he can't hear you." snapped Naboo.

"You don't know that!" scorned Vince "You haven't been able to do anything."

"I tired to get him by helicopter, didn't I?"

"Yer, fat lot of good that was" frowned Vince. "It's a _puddle _Naboo, you can't get a great big helicopter in a puddle."

"You weren't saying that before. 'Go on Naboo, this is a genius plan.' they were your words."

"Yeah, well… I wanted a go in the helicopter" Vince confessed a little embarrassed "But you know you shouldn't listen to me. I'm a simple man."

"Hmmm." agreed Naboo a little _too_ quickly. "Why don't you have some more tea?"

"I don't think so. Bollo told me about your little tea trick. I'm staying here until Howard comes back."

"Fine." Huffed Naboo "Don't get too close to that puddle."

"Ouch!"

"Vince?"

"Owwww. What's happening?" asked Vince unable to mask the panic in his voice. "Vince? What's wrong?"

"My head's killing me. Naboo. I can't see!" cried Vince thrashing around perilously close to the puddle "Naboo? What's happening?"

Naboo clutched Vince's arm and hauled him to the safety of the stairs. As soon as Vince was out of the proximity of the puddle he found he could see again.

"What happened?" asked Vince shaking slightly. "Why couldn't I see?"

"There's nothing wrong with you Naboo said quietly. It's that pendant around your neck. It just glowed very brightly when you were close to the puddle and you were unable to open your eyes."

"So, I'm not blind?"

"No. Though with a marriage to Howard on the horizon that might have been a benefit."

"Sh'up." grinned Vince as he thought of Howard and stopped grinning as he thought of Howard not being there. "Where is he Naboo?"

"Well, he's gone to another world but I'm going to guess that your pendant is a key part of this whole thing."

"In what way?"

"Well, I haven't worked that out yet. Give me a bit of time."

"It's not fair Naboo I just want him home. I _need_ him home." sobbed Vince as the tears started to roll down his cheeks.

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**Very short update, sorry, but this seemed like the best place to stop. Next update will be longer. I promise.**

**Thanks for reading. xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Felt bad coz yesterday update was so short and boring... Hope this makes up for it!!**

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Howard felt completely numb. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. He couldn't watch Vince crying anymore.

"You do know the chosen one, don't you Howard?" asked the twins. Howard nodded unable to speak.

"Do you know why he is sad?" Howard nodded again.

"You know who he wants?" Howard nodded for third time.

"Who is it?"

"Me." answered Howard barely louder than a whisper.

"You?"

"Yes. He's my partner."

"You work together?"

"No. Well, yes. But he's my fiancé."

"Oh." said the girls.

"We're supposed to be getting married tomorrow."

"So you need to get back to him?" Howard swallowed hard and nodded as the rain started to poor down outside.

"The chosen one is crying!" came a shout from outside "Get inside. The chosen one is crying!"

Howard couldn't hold back his tears anymore and they began to spill down his face.

"You know," the twins said, each putting a sympathetic hand on Howard's shoulder. "There is a way to get back."

"There is?" Howard sobbed.

"Yeah. If the chosen one pushes the blue sapphire in the talisman then he gets anything he wants from this world."

"Oh god." said Howard looking at the floor.

"But that's good news surely." said the girls

"Vince isn't the brightest. He'll never work that out."

"Then you have to tell him."

"But how can I do that?"

"When the chosen one dreams we can contact him. If you drink from the fountain of the talisman, then you enter his dreams and you can speak to him. But no one is allowed too."

"Why not?"

"He's the chosen one. He's sacred and special."

"He is." agreed Howard dreamily. "But that doesn't mean you can't talk to him."

"But what if in the dream you anger him? Or upset him? He might make our lives a misery."

"You can't make Vince angry."

"Vince?"

"The chosen one. You can't make him sad. He's the happiest person I know."

"He's not happy today." the twins pointed out, looking at the pouring rain.

"Well, no, but that's cause I'm here and he's there." explained Howard "Look, if I talk to him I can promise that Ivy Brook will go back to being sunny and filled with happiness."

"Then you should drink from the fountain." agreed the twins "But you'll have to do it in secret because if you get caught dad will arrest you."

Howard frowned thoughtfully.

"Well, good luck Walrus man." smiled the twins as they bounded out of the living room. Howard looked out the window at the fountain. He could see now that it was the same shape as Vince's necklace. How was he going to drink from the fountain without being spotted? It was in the centre point of the town, placed in the middle of the square, surrounded by houses. Howard puzzled over it for a while before getting distracted by the bolt of lightning that cut through the furious-looking sky.

Howard ran to the TV and turned it on. What was Vince doing to make the sky so angry?

--

Vince had just thrown a Chelsea boot across the room aimed directly at Naboo.

"Vince! Stop it you're acting like a spoilt kid!"

"Shut up!" yelled Vince "Stop shouting at me."

"Then stop being stupid" scowled Naboo "I know you're angry and upset but that is no reason to throw things around."

"Then don't tell me that you don't think you can get Howard back!"

"But I don't." Naboo said quietly "I'm sorry. I was just being honest"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" screamed Vince running up the stairs in floods of tears.

"Vince sad about Howard?" growled Bollo

"Yeah." sighed Naboo "He doesn't handle grief well. He's not used to it."

"Vince need Howard back by tomorrow."

"No, Vince just needs Howard back at some point. I think perhaps you should take him a mug of tea."

"He wont drink tea. He knows about magic potion."

"Fine." frowned Naboo "cakes then. He needs to rest." Bollo nodded and took the enchanted fairy cakes to Vince, who was still sobbing in his room.

"Vince?" Bollo knocked on the door

"Go away" came the tearful response

"Vince? Bollo bring cakes."

Slowly the door opened to reveal Vince's tearstain face.

"Oh Vincey." sighed Bollo "Howard will come back."

"You don't know that." sobbed Vince

"Bollo know." he said handing Vince a fairy cake. "Eat. Make Vince feel better."

"Thanks." said Vince managing a watery smile before taking a bite. "mmmmm. It's delicious. I do love fairy cakes"

After polishing off four cakes in record time Vince yawned, "You know I think I'm gonna have a little sleepy." and with that he collapsed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, so two updates in one day is a bit much! But I got bored and I wanted to know what would happen next...**

**I guess that's what happens when it rains on the first day of your summer holidays. How unfair! Oh well, writing this has cheered me up. I hope reading it cheers you up. Or at least entertains you for a few minutes. **

**And if you want to leave me a review to cheer my day up more - well i won't complain. :P**

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Howard watched as Bollo carried Vince gently to their bed. This was his chance. He turned off the TV and left the house as casually as he could manage. He walked quickly along the cobbled street, the rain was still hammering down but the thunderstorm had subsided and the people were beginning to leave their houses. 'Oh no,' thought Howard 'I have to get to the fountain before people see me.' Howard began to quicken his walk and by the time he reached the fountain he was practically running.

He threw himself to the ground cupped his hands together and frantically began to drink. As he did the blue sapphire in the fountain shone brightly. Brighter and brighter until Howard could hardly keep his eyes open. You'd have to be blind not to notice me? he thought and sure enough there was a low bellow from behind him.

"HELP! The Walrus man is drinking from the fountain! Stop him! Stop him!" Howard turned around to see the baker running full pelt at him. "Stop. You can't visit the chosen one! You must not visit the chosen one! You will make him angry! He'll punish us!"

"I wont make him angry." insisted Howard taking a final desperate gulp of water before being rugby tackled by the baker. Howard fell awkwardly and hit his head hard on the cobbles.

--

Howard woke up in a large field, his head was pounding. He stood up unsteadily his head burning with pain as he tried to steady himself. He looked around. There was nothing but field as far as the eye could see. No flowers, no trees, just grass endless blades of grass stretching in every direction. Then Howard realised he was holding a piece of paper.

_You have disgraced our town in the worst way_

_possible. You are no longer welcome at Ivy_

_Brooks. DON__'__T come back._

_The Mayor_

Howard sighed and threw the note to the ground. He was furious with himself. If he hadn't hit his head he'd have spoken to Vince and told him to use the amulet, but now he'd lost his only opportunity and he was stuck in an empty field with no visible way out. He kicked at the grass angrily.

"Howard."

Howard span round looking for the voice but he couldn't see anybody.

"Howard."

"Vince?" called Howard looking around frantically.

"Howard. Howard, come back Howard. Come back. I need you Howard. I can't live without you Howard."

"Vince? Where are you? I can hear you but I can't… Vince, I can't see you. Vince?"

--

Vince tossed and turned in his bed calling over and over for his love. Naboo watched on concerned.

"He shouldn't be this agitated. That potion is supposed to guarantee a peaceful, dreamless sleep. It looks like something is trying to get through."

"What?"

"Well, if I knew that I would be stopping it."

"What if it's Howard?"

"It's not Howard. It can't be Howard! He's in a different world. You can't communicate with other world through dreams. It's absurd. It's ludicrous. It's farcical. It's, it's…it's" said Naboo trailing off as he looked at the pendant around Vince's neck which had started to glow a little. "Bollo." he continued thoughtfully "Go and fetch my spell book."

"Open it." said the shaman when Bollo returned. "Turn to page 4097" he ordered still not taking his eyes off the shining sapphire. "What does it say?"

"It says 'Amulet's and Talisman's. Hey Naboo, there's a picture of Vince's necklace in here."

"Where?" asked Naboo appearing suddenly at Bollo's side.

"There. It says that it belongs to the enchantress Ivy Brook."

"Ivy Brook?" Naboo looked puzzled. "but, that's a myth."

"What is?"

"The story of Ivy Brook. It is written that Ivy Brook lived hundreds of years ago, when witches were burnt. Ivy was caught practising witchcraft one evening by the villagers of her hometown, so they tied her in the centre of the village and burned her. Obviously, being a witch she simply evaporated out of danger but that didn't stop her being furious. To get her own back she created a talisman and trapped the village within it. It gave her complete control over all the villagers. She could fill them with sadness, hurt or hatred whenever she wanted. She made their lives a living hell.

A few years after creating the talisman she was killed by a wizard, who took the talisman for himself. As the story goes the talisman was past down from generation to generation without any of them knowing what it was. It was just believed to be a family heirloom."

"So, how has Vince got it?"

"I don't know. It must have been sold. Most magical items end up in an antique shops." frowned Naboo looking anxiously at Vince's erratic movements "Maybe we should take the talisman off Vince. It might be dangerous."

"No! It was a gift from Howard. Vince be more sad if we take it."

"but it's full of very powerful, very dark magic. Vince isn't dark enough to cope with it, who knows what it will be doing to him? It could be killing him for all I know! Worse than that though, I think the potion's wearing off, so the dream that was trying to invade will be able to get in."

"When?"

"Around…now!"

"AHHHHHH!" Vince screamed hands flying to his head. It was the most high pitched, terrifyingly peircing scream that either the shaman or the gorilla had ever heard and it rang through the flat more shrill and disturbing than anything in the mortal world.

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**Thanks for reading!**

**Sisi xx**


	6. Chapter 6

Howard's hands flew to his ears as a terrible noise swept through the field. A rapid wind engulfed him stealing his breaths.

"Stop it. Please, stop." he begged as his already sore head, throbbed and pounded so much that he felt it would explode. He fell to the ground unable to open his eyes because of the burning in his brain unable to breath because of the tornado-like wind. And then… it all stopped. The pain, the noise, the wind. Gone.

"Howard?" came the familiar sound of Vince's voice that had been taunting him for the past hour.

"Vince." Howard sobbed "Where are you? Why can't I see you?"

"Uh, because I'm behind you." came the voice.

Howard span around and there he was. More beautiful than a morning sunrise. More magical than a unicorn. More precious than a diamond.

Howard staggered to his feet and for a moment they both just stood there staring and each other in disbelief. Howard wiped away his tears fearing they were playing a cruel trick on him, but no, Vince was still there looking just as perfect as he remembered. Then unable to contain themselves anymore they fell into each others arms in a flurry of passion and excitement.

"Oh my god, I've missed you _so_ much" said Howard kissing Vince on every available bit of skin.

"I've missed you too." breathed Vince catching Howard by the mouth and kissing him hard. It was so perfect that neither man cared, or perhaps noticed, as they toppled clumsily onto the soft grass below. Vince rested his head on Howard's chest and held him tight around the waste. Howard responded by putting his arm around Vince's shoulders.

"Don't let go." Vince murmered "I can't lose you again."

"I'm not going anywhere." smiled Howard tightening his grip on the smaller man and placing a light kiss on Vince's head.

Howard didn't know how long they'd been lying there when the high pitched screaming ripped through the field again. 'Oh God!' remembered Howard 'I've got to tell Vince about the talisman.'

Howard grabbed Vince by the shoulders shaking him slightly.

"Now, listen Vince!" he yelled over the screaming and the strong wind that had just picked up

"Oooo, I love it when you take control." Vince giggled

"Really?" blushed Howard.

"Uh, huh." nodded Vince chewing on his bottom lip

"Well then maybe we should go somewhere a little bit more… Wait! What am I doing?" Howard said shaking his head as he felt Vince become a little less real under his finger tips. He felt like he was trying to hold on to smoke.

"Listen Vince." said Howard with desperation in his voice "When you wake up you have to press the blue sapphire on your necklace and ask for what you want most. You _must _do that. It's really important. Okay?"

"Okay" nodded Vince. "I will." And with that Howard found he was holding nothing.

--

Vince awoke with a gasp.

"Vince? Oh thank god. You okay?" Bollo asked.

"Yeah. What a great sleep. I feel really refreshed."

"Did you have an unusual dream?" asked Naboo.

"No." smiled Vince "nothing out of the ordinary. Any news of Howard?"

"No, sorry." The smile drained from Vince's face as he nodded.

"Vince. Are you sure you didn't dream anything?"

"Nothing unusual. Why?"

"Because you were acting strange and we think something tried to contact you in your dream. Now, are you sure nothing happened?" pressed Naboo "think hard."

"Yes. I had the same dream I nearly always have."

"And what was that?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" smirked Vince

"Yes. It could be important."

"I dreamt of me and Howard, rolling around in a field. We were kissing and he was…"

"Right. Okay. No need to elaborate." said Naboo embarrassedly "was there anything else?"

"Actually. Yeah. Howard said something about this necklace." said Vince fingering the talisman lightly

"What?"

"I can't remember." Vince shrugged and disappeared out of the door saying "Have we got any sweets? I'm so hungry." Naboo gave Bollo a nervous look.

"What now?" grumbled Bollo

"We have to make Vince remember what Howard said."

"Why?"

"It might tell us what the talisman is doing to Vince."

"But Naboo said Howard couldn't talk to Vince in dream."

"I was wrong." Naboo confessed quietly

"Pardon?""I was wrong."

"A little louder." Bollo smiled.

"Don't push it." snapped Naboo going after Vince.

--

Howard's eyes fluttered open.

"He's awake!" shouted the twins. Howard looked around at the crowd of people surrounding him. The twins, the mayor, his wife, the baker, the large man. It seemed everyone from the village had gathered around to see if he was ok.

"Kill him!" shouted a man from the crowd. Or not!

"He drank from the fountain. He must be killed."

"Burn him."

"Drown him"

"Feed him to the lions."

"We don't have any lions."

"Throw him off a tall building."

"Tie him to the floor and ride over him with our bikes."

"Don't kill me." cried Howard "I've got so much to give."

"Nonsense." said the mayor. "You have disgraced our town, Walrus man. You must pay. Take him to chair."

"The chair?" whimpered Howard

"The electric chair." explained the mayor as the burlier men (and one or two of the burliest women) grabbed Howard and dragged him towards the top step of the town hall, where an electric chair had just been placed. Howard wriggled and squirmed to no avail as the villagers threw him into the chair and shut the clamps over his arm and legs.

"Please." wept Howard "If you kill me, the chosen one will be angry."

"That's what they all say!" yelled the mayor.

"Daddy. Daddy, can we push the button?" asked the twins excitedly

"Of course sweethearts."

"Yay."

"Hey, oi. You two told me to drink from the fountain." hissed Howard

"We also told you not to get caught." the blonde girls giggled "And we like pushing the button."

"You horrid little…" then deciding he didn't want his last thoughts to be of killing the giggling girls he closed his eyes and thought of Vince.

"Ready?" Howard heard the twins say "in 5"

_Vince_

"4"

_Vince_

"3"

_Vince_

"2"

_Oh God, this is it._

"1"

* * *

**Sorry, I couldn't resist. lol.**

**Thanks for reading. xx**


	7. Chapter 7

"**STOP!****"**Howard eye's flicked open. In front of him was a red-haired woman frantically getting the attention of the crowd. "Quick, quick. We must hurry. The chosen one is calling for something. We must appease the chosen one."

"Thank god!" said Howard breathing a sigh of relief.

"What is it the chosen one wants?" asked the mayor

"It's me!" Howard cried confidently "He wants me!"

"Is that true?" the mayor asked the red-head

"No," she replied "he wants sweets."

"SWEETS!?" yelled Howard "he wants Sweets?! I'm gonna kill him."

"You must not threaten the chosen one." barked the mayor. "Walrus man must be killed now!"

"No" insisted the red-head "we have to take the chosen one sweets."

"Very well." groaned the mayor. "Everyone take all your sweets to the fountain."

The crowd dispersed in a flurry of excitement each looking for the juiciest, tastiest and sugariest sweets they could find and taking them to the fountain. Howard thought it looked remarkably like a scene from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, although he failed to see the funny side. He was fuming , well who wouldn't be if they were facing certain death and the only person who could save them, the love of their life, had chosen sweets over them.

Howard watched on as the villagers threw sweet after sweet at the blue sapphire in the fountain and gasped in amazement as they disappeared, seemingly swallowed up by the statue. As the last sweet was thrown Howard heard unmistakable sound of Vince's voice from the statue

"Thank you."

"You are welcome oh chosen one. Is there anything else you require?"

"ummm… oh yer, can I have Howard back please?"

"Howard, who is Howard?" asked the mayor.

"That's me!" screeched Howard

"Oh, you know." came Vince's voice "Tall, moustache… small eyes."

"Ah. You mean Walrus man?"

"Yeah," laughed Vince "That'll be him."

"Bring the Walrus man." ordered the mayor. Howard suddenly felt the clamps being released and the chair being lifted. The villagers were carrying him like a Jewish man on his wedding day, which was half right, because although Howard wasn't Jewish, it was his wedding day. And with the thought of weddings in his head he felt himself thrown out of the chair and through the blue sapphire. Seconds later he hit the floor of the flat painful thud.

--

"Howard!" cried Vince through a mouthful of cherry laces. "You're alive."

"Don't touch me" said Howard huffily as Vince through his arms around him.

"Why not?"

"Sweets? I told you ask for the thing you wanted most and you ask for sweets."

"I was hungry." Vince protested innocently

"Hungry?! You were hungry?!" Howard was livid. "I almost died because Vince Noir was hungry!"

"You what?"

"I almost died."

"I didn't know that." Vince said quietly

"Oh yeah, I was attached to the electric chair. They were just about to push the button" Howard seethed watching Vince turn a pale shade of green.

"You almost died?" he gulped. Howard nodded furiously.

"Oh my god." gasped Vince. "I'm so sorry. I though you'd have been having a great time… what with all these sweets and everything."

With that Howard roared with laughter and pulled Vince into a big hug. He couldn't stay mad at Vince. Especially when he looked so remorseful. Vince looked up at Howard and as their eyes met Vince grinned too.

"I love you, you sweet-loving fop." grinned Howard

"I love you too Walrus man" laughed Vince.

"Don't ever call me that." Howard said sternly pushing Vince away from him.

Vince giggled and ran at Howard full pace, leaping on him and wrapping his leg around the bigger mans waist. "I've missed you so much." Vince sighed resting his head on Howard's shoulder.

"Hmmm," smiled Howard stroking Vince's hair. "took you long enough to get me back though didn't it."

"I couldn't remember what you'd said in my dream." Vince admitted blushing a little "I got distracted by all the kissing." Howard laughed and kissed Vince on the top of the head.

"Hadn't I better get going?" Howard asked suddenly spotting the time. "It's bad luck for us to see each other on our wedding day."

"Ohhhhhh. Please stay." whinged Vince unwrapping himself from Howard. "We've got lots more making up to do." he grinned seductively, tugging lightly and Howard's belt.

"W-well… as tempting as that sounds. And it does." Howard stammered finding himself unable to take his eyes off Vince. "We really shouldn't"

"Fine." Vince frowned huffily "I'll save it for tonight." Howard nodded and hurried out of the room before his instincts could take over.

"Oh and Vince, look in the top draw of your cabinet." Howard called back. Vince, feeling puzzled, walked over to the cabinet and opened the draw. There was a little red box laced with satin ribbon. Vince opened it curiously, inside the box there were some beautiful antiqued cufflinks. The note attached read:

'_Something old. I hope you_

_like them. Love you,_

_Howard xxx_'

From outside Vince heard Naboo shout

"How the hell did you get back?"

"Well, contrary to what you said, there _was _a way to get me back."

"I tried."

"You used a helicopter!"

"How do you know that?!"

"Never you find." came Howard's smug reply. "Now, where's my suit? I'm getting married."

Vince smiled to himself, today was going to be perfect.

* * *

**There is one more (very cheesy) chapter left. But hey, we could all do with a bit more cheese in our lives.**

**Thanks for reading!!**

**Sisi xx**


	8. Chapter 8

Howard made the final adjustments to his tie and stepped back to take a look at himself in the mirror.

"This is it Howard." he said to the man in the mirror "The first day of the rest of your life." He looked at his watch. Twenty minutes before he had to be at the church. He paced around the room his stomach flipping with excitement. He was under strict instructions not to leave from Naboo. It was supposed to prevent him from seeing Vince before the church, but Howard couldn't help wonder if Naboo had come up with the idea because he was angry at Howard for refusing to tell him how he got back. Or maybe it was Bollo's idea. It was common knowledge that Bollo was annoyed because as he put it Vince was 'settling for Howard'.

Howard was dying for the toilet as well but when he'd asked Bollo's permission to go Bollo had shook his head firmly and returned minutes later with a bucket.

"Thanks." Howard had said with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice as Bollo moped off muttering something about being ungrateful.

A crash from outside disturbed Howard's daydream.

"For God sake Vince!" came Naboo's angry voice "take the blind fold off. No, no. Howard has been ordered to stay in his room. You wont see him I promise."

"But it's bad luck to be seen." came Vince's reply.

"If you break anything else you'll have a lot more than bad luck to contend with." snapped Naboo. Howard could imagine how Vince's face would look. He'd be grinning. That gorgeous grin that he has. The one that takes Howard's breath away. The one he uses when he's trying to get away with something.

"Vince, hurry." came Bollo's gruff voice "Cannot be late for own wedding."

"yay!" cried Vince. "Oh my god. This is the last time I ever leave this flat as a single man. I'm so excited. I just want to jump around. Like this."

**CRASH**

"VINCE!"

"Sorry Naboo. Quick Bollo, to the car. Quick!"

Five minutes after these shenanigans a knock on the door told Howard it was time to go. The excitement buzzed through him building through his spine making his whole body tingle with anticipation.

'This is it.' he thought 'Oh my god, this is it!'

--

"I now pronounce you man and… man. You may now kiss the bride, ummm, I mean groom"

Vince reached up and placed a gentle kiss on Howard's lips to the cheers of the congregation. Howard's side, with Lester Corncrake and the wizened old man from the shop and Vince's side, with the entire population of Camden. Vince grabbed Howard's hand and their eyes met. Howard grinned stupidly. He didn't deserve to be this happy. Vince smiled back his eyes shining brightly with love and joy. He had everything he'd ever dreamed of… and more.

"Let's go." said Howard whispering in Vince's ear "It's time to start our honeymoon." Vince nodded excitedly "and," Howard continued, eyes twinkling "I believe you still have some making up to do."

"Oh yer." smiled Vince wickedly "I definitely owe you."

Howard led the way down the aisle and into the pink stretch limo, which Vince had insisted they 'needed'. As the car drove off Vince appeared out of the sunroof and waved madly to his friends. As they turned a corner and their friends were hidden by the old church Vince felt tugging on his trouser leg until he sat down with a thud.

"I don't think I've told you this but you look beautiful." Howard smiled

"You don't look half bad yourself. You know, for a Walrus." Vince grinned resting his head on Howard's shoulder. "Hey Howard?"

"mmmmm."

"We're married!"

"Yup"

"Do you know what this calls for?"

"What?""A bit of… Gary Numan."

"No!"

"Yes!… _Here in my car I feel safest of all__…_come on Howard."

"Nope."

"_I can lock all my doors it__'__s the only way to live in cars_"

"I'm not going to sing."

"_Here in my car I can only receive I can listen to you It keeps me stable for days…"_

"_In cars_"

"Yay, Howard." laughed Vince kissing him on the cheek as both men sang at the top of their voices.

"_Here in my car Where the image breaks down Will you visit me please? If I open my door In cars_…"

Vince gazed up at Howard singing away and doing a silly little dance. He could feel himself was positively glowing with anticipation of the honeymoon and their future. Vince knew he'd never been happier and the talisman around his neck glowed a bright blue.

--

Not so far away, in Ivy Brooks the villagers were experiencing something of a heat wave. Not only that they were producing the most delicious food, the most glorious wine and water that has ever existed. They were all eating sweets and cookies in a party-like atmosphere. Each and everyone of them was enjoying themselves as the sun lit up the village in a glorious golden glow. And with Vince as the chosen one, with Howard at his side, Ivy Brooks never had another rainy day again.

* * *

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!!**

**Told you the ending was a bit cheesy. lol.**

**Sisi xx**


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